


The Cakes

by Bolt_DMC



Category: Bolt (2008)
Genre: Food Fight, Humor, Makeover, Movie Reference, Post-Canon, Slapstick, Toilet humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-10
Updated: 2019-09-10
Packaged: 2020-09-27 03:44:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20401126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bolt_DMC/pseuds/Bolt_DMC
Summary: Penny’s mom whips up a pastry extravaganza for the local church bazaar, but the three mischievous pets are in rare slapstick form. The cakes take a beating, and Penny’s mom doesn't fare too well, either. Yes, hilarity ensues. Primary cultural references to Monty Python's Flying Circus (especially the "Holy Grail" film) and John Waters’s movie "Pink Flamingos."





	The Cakes

**Author's Note:**

> Timeline: March 2010.
> 
> For Logozo.

1.

"See, Bolt -- I just don't understand why that's an insult. My mother was a hamster, and I'm darned proud of that. Maybe it's some obscure French idiom or something."

Rhino and the little shepherd were enjoying "Monty Python and the Holy Grail," part of a cult films binge presented courtesy of the classic movie channel. The pets had nearly given up on revisiting this particular marathon after sitting through the John Waters feature "Pink Flamingos" the previous night (it's not considered the grossest movie ever made for nothing, though it does have its merits and ardent devotees). But a chance to view the British comedy troupe's daffy sojourn through the Middle Ages had brought them back to the tube with glee.

Bolt giggled at the "Knights who say ‘Ni’" sketch. "How many times have we watched this now? Four? Five, maybe? I dunno, maybe familiarity breeds devotion, but I never get tired of it."

"Hey," the little rodent asked. "What happened to Mittens? She disappeared about fifteen minutes ago."

The dog shook his head. "No worries, I'll go and find her. Probably nothing earth shattering."

Ambling down to the end of the hall, the pooch crashed face-first into Mittens, who was just exiting the laundry room. "Oh! Sorry!" he said. "So, what happened? Where'd you head off to, anyway?"

The cat hesitated. "Uhh -- I went, um, over in the corner," she offered evasively.

Bolt cocked his head in confusion. "Huh. That's interesting. What were you doing there?"

"Er -- I was -- I was making a cake," said Mittens.

"Really?" asked the now thoroughly perplexed shepherd. "But -- but -- but the oven is off that way, in the kitchen."

Remembering last night's gross-out extravaganza, the cat rather peevishly responded, "Oh, I just baked it in my oooown little oven… "

"You have a… ?" Bolt began.

"Geez -- c’mon you doofus!" groused Mittens in exasperation. "Can't a gal have at least a couple of mysteries in this furry men's club around here? I was takin’ a dump! Pinchin’ a loaf! Droppin’ a deuce! Layin’ a line of Lincoln Logs! Trippin’ the light crap-tastic! Makin’ the bell go ‘dung’! Impersonatin’ Excretia Borgia! Freein’ a Fudgsicle! Takin’ the Browns to the Super Bowl! Stockin’ the lake with brown trout, servin’ up a poo-poo platter, and bombin’ the Tidy-Bowl Man! Happy you asked now?"

"Ohhhhh," said the pooch. "Sorry I pressed the issue. Didn't mean to make you mad or anything. But hey, if you had to go see a man about a dead parrot, why didn't you just say so?"

"THAT'S the idiom he understands for it?" she thought while shaking her head. "Nah -- it's okay," Mittens finally replied. "I just lost my head a little there. You do seem more clueless than usual today, though, for whatever reason."

"Eh -- so why should today be any different?" Bolt responded.

Dog and cat rejoined Rhino on the couch, just in time for the murderous rabbit scene.

2.

"Saw Penny's mom heading out this morning. Wonder where she was going?" the shepherd asked no one in particular.

Mittens absently licked a paw. "I think she said something about taking a trip to the beauty parlor for a perm and a makeover. She's apparently not too happy with her look lately, for some reason."

"Wonder why she can't just fix herself up at home?" the hamster mused. "She's got more makeup in that bathroom of hers than a Golden age Hollywood starlet."

"Hey," said the dog purposefully. "How come she didn't bring us along with her? Might be an interesting change of scenery. What do they have at beauty parlors, anyway? I mean, it's not as if I ever needed to get all dolled up or anything."

The cat shook her head. "Don't think you'd find it that fascinating, Wags. There's lots of hair dryers, sinks, styling chairs, pedicure foot bath stations, nail-painting counters, things like that. And it smells funny, too. Not to mention that there's loads of goofy lookin’ women in various stages of facial and hair fix-up. Probably the next best thing to a clown convention."

Rhino giggled. "On second thought, we don't want to go to a beauty parlor. ‘Tis a silly place."

The three pets broke up laughing at that one.

"Yeah -- I'll bet she's in the mood to treat herself. She was baking all kinds of goodies for the church bazaar earlier," said Mittens. "Did you see that spread on the kitchen table? There's gotta be at least six cakes and several dozen cupcakes sitting there."

A naughty look crossed the pooch's face. "Hmmmm. I'm kinda getting an empty spot in my stomach that a few bites of cake would fill very nicely. Maybe I can, y’know, sneak a cupcake or two. Penny's mom will never miss them."

"Not a great idea," frowned the cat. "That stuff wasn't meant for us, pal. Besides, she left Penny strict instructions to keep an eye on them. Penny's mom apparently knows your pastry-thieving proclivities all too well."

"Still," the mischievous dog mused, "It would be interesting to know if it's vanilla or chocolate cake. If it's the latter, there’s no point in considering it anyway. Dogs can't eat chocolate. I think I'll go and find out."

Bolt slipped over to the kitchen where he discovered two things: the cake and cupcakes were indeed vanilla, and Penny was sitting in a chair adjacent to the forbidden goodies, playing a video game on her cell phone while standing guard over the church bazaar delights.

Just then, Penny's cell phone rang, startling the girl sufficiently that she almost dropped it on the floor, necessitating a fancy juggling act to keep it from crashing below.

"Hello?" she said. "Oh -- oh, hi! Sure, sure, I can talk now." It was her biology lab partner hoping to get the latest gossip on a guy Penny had just met and seemed interested in dating. But upon seeing Bolt staring at her, the teenager turned self-conscious. The protective little shepherd often acted skeptical around the boys that took a liking to her. After all, he only wanted the best for his master, and some of the girl's suitors hadn't struck the pooch as especially worthy.

"Uh, hang on a sec’. Let me go to my room where I can talk in private," whispered Penny. She headed off to the couch to get the cat.

"Mittens, I've got a job for you," said the girl earnestly. "I'm supposed to be watching those cakes over there on the table, but I really want to take this call to my room. You can stand guard in my place. I know you’re not nearly the food mooch Bolt can be sometimes, so I think I can trust you."

Penny placed the cat on the front edge of the table and pointed a finger at her. "Guard these cakes with your very life, you hear me? I'm just gonna be gone for a couple minutes, and then you can get back to your program. Shouldn't take too long."

Mittens was nonplussed. "You've got to be kidding!" she thought. "How am I ever gonna stop a hungry dog from sneaking off with the goods? For that matter, how do you know I won’t help myself? That's an absurd amount of responsibility you're putting on my shoulders. But hey, it's only for a couple minutes, right? Okay, okay -- you can count on me."

Bolt and Rhino had overheard Penny’s one-sided conversation with the cat. "You thinking what I'm thinking?" said the little rodent.

The shepherd nodded. "Yeah -- this should be easy pickings for us. Mittens will probably just step aside once we approach."

3.

The dog and hamster were in for a surprise when they entered the kitchen, though. Mittens was sitting at the head of the table, trying to look as imposing as possible -- and clearly seemed to be in no mood to abandon her post.

"None shall pass!" she authoritatively declared.

"What?" said Bolt.

"You deaf or something? I said, ‘None shall pass!’" repeated the cat.

The dog blinked incredulously. "But we just wanna have some… "

"Sorry -- but Penny put me in charge of guarding the cakes," Mittens said with determination. "And I intend to take my assignment with all due seriousness."

"Don't worry, Bolt," whispered the hamster. "I'll handle this." Rhino pointed an accusatory paw, glared at the cat, and shouted, "I am Arthur, King of the Britons! Ruler of the Saxons! Caliph of the Celts and Potentate of the Picts! I command you to step aside and release the bounty that be the cakes and cupcakes, forthwith. And fifth-with, if you know what's good for you!"

"Yeah, yeah," scoffed Mittens. "And the dog is Lord Elpus, and I'm the Deaconess of Detroit. You're not fooling anybody!"

The little rodent turned to Bolt. "Looks like appeals to reason didn't work. We'll have to rely on a little muscle instead." He and the pooch shot a look at each other, then charged headlong towards the earnest feline gatekeeper, pushing her full-on into one of the cakes.

"All right -- we’ll call it a draw," mewled Mittens, the front of her body covered head to toe in frosting. She pulled herself out of the now thoroughly squashed piece of pastry, the only cake within easy reach of the hungry dog.

"Hey, I'm famished!" Bolt yelled to the cat. "Bring one of those cakes over here!"

Mittens tried without success to wipe frosting out of her ears. "Absolutely not! No way I’m gonna help you now, especially after what you did!" she snarled irritably.

"For dog's sake!" groused the frustrated pooch, pointing to the cat’s left. "There's a perfectly good one next to you! Over there, Mittens! Let me have it, and right now!"

A mischievous grin crossed Mittens’s face. "Oh -- you want me to let you have it, eh?"

"Yes! Right now!" he barked. "And make it snappy, willya?"

"Okay then, Aladdin -- your wish is my command!" she yowled as she picked the cake up and dropped it on Bolt.

The pooch angrily looked at Mittens through a haze of icing and cake crumbles. "Of course," he growled, "You realize that this outrage will not go unavenged!" With that, he leaped onto the table, where the dog and cat took turns pushing each other's faces in cake and plastering each other's muzzles in frosting. After several minutes of this all-out food fight, the two pets realized they were being pelted relentlessly with small baked-goods missiles. The smart-aleck hamster was lobbing cupcakes at his pastry-covered friends, apparently not finding these treats much to his liking after an initial taste.

"Get him!" Bolt and Mittens yelled in unison as they ran after the now-fleeing rodent. Rhino scooted inside his plastic ball in hopes of avoiding his pursuers’ wrath.

"Ha ha! You'll never get me in here!" grinned the hamster.

"That's what you think," shouted Bolt. He and Mittens spun Rhino over to the table, where the cat popped open the plastic ball, following which the dog shoved a large chunk of cake inside.

"There -- that’ll fix him," said Mittens.

She and Bolt shook paws, proud that they had managed to finally get the hamster as cake-plastered as they were.

"Good one!" cheered the pooch. He turned to face the plastic ball. "Thought you'd get away unscathed, eh?"

When there was no answer, the cat gulped. "Uh hey, Bolt -- you think we might have gone a little too far with this?"

The shepherd suddenly got a frightened look on his face and called out, "Hey! Hey, little buddy -- you okay in there? Speak to me!"

After another moment of silence, they heard a loud munching sound, followed by Rhino popping his head out of a wall of frosting. "Fully awesome!" he shouted with glee. "I was hoping I'd get a chance to sample some of that cake. It's delicious, too, so you'll pardon me if I continue to chow down on what's left inside my ball!"

"Well then, I guess it's a good thing you pushed that piece in there, Wags" said Mittens, trying unsuccessfully to extract the iced crumbs wedged into her nose. "Looks like the rest of it’s splattered all over the place now." The cat shook her head. "Boy," she thought. "Here's another time I wish I had claws. It's impossible to pick gunk like this out of your snout otherwise."

"Funny looking boogers you got there," laughed Bolt.

The cat flashed him a wry grin and flicked a glob of frosting onto his face. "Yeah, and I have you to thank for that, nitwit."

4.

"WHAT IN THE RAGING BLUE BLAZES IS GOING ON HERE??"

The angry words roared from the mouth of a woman the three pets thought looked familiar -- but on closer inspection, they realized they couldn't be exactly certain. She resembled Penny's mom in some ways, but her hair had been straightened, pulled back, teased, bleached blond, and stretched long thanks to ratty-looking extensions. And her makeup was shockingly garish, featuring lipstick that went well beyond the edges of her mouth, as well as eyebrows that had been plucked and then thickly redrawn high up onto her forehead.

"Oh! I'm so furious! I just got the most ridiculous makeover job and hairstyle thanks to that horrible recommendation from my neighbor up the road! Even a mandrill’s behind looks better than I do!" she shrieked. "And now -- and now, I come home to find my cakes and cupcakes ruined! Ruined! I'm so mad I could scream!"

The pets looked slack-jawed at the howling woman. "Holy hand grenade! Who IS that?" asked Rhino.

Bolt gulped. "Well, whoever it is, she certainly looks, uh -- looks just… just divine, doesn't she?"

"You mean she looks LIKE Divine, don't you?" whispered Mittens cautiously.

"Tell you one thing," said the hamster. "If she starts following Bolt around hoping he'll drop a snack, we’ll have our answer."

The dog continued to stare. "Y’know, I actually think that's Penny’s mom."

"Really?" asked Rhino. "How can you tell?"

The cat’s voice devolved into a nervous quaver. "Easy," she said. "She's the only one who hasn't got cake all over her."

"PENNY!" the Divine-look-alike howled. "Get in here! On the double!"

"What do we do now?" asked the shepherd in a worried voice.

Rhino raised himself up to full height. "Bolt, my friend, at a time like this, there’s only one thing a true, red-blooded, courageous Arthurian hero can do."

"Right," said Mittens. "I'm with you."

As if on cue, the cake-encrusted dog, cat, and hamster made a frantic dash for the doggy door. "Run away! Run away! Run away!" they shouted as they scampered off with Penny’s mom in hot pursuit.


End file.
